‘Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. This is Simone speaking, your assistant on flight BHT8543, destination SMBH1 in Holmberg 15A. On behalf of the captain Kevin Rodriguez and his crew, I would like to welcome you on board. The expected duration of the flight is approximately 700 million light years. I would like to remind you that smoking is prohibited. The use of electronic devices is not allowed during take-off. Please fasten your seatbelt, fold up the table in front of you and straighten your seat back. Once we reach cruising speed, a mask will drop from the hatch above you. Place it over your nose and mouth, attach the elastic band around your head and find a comfortable sitting position. Once you are anaesthetized, the temperature in the cabin will drop to minus 196 degrees Celsius.
‘We urge you to follow the instructions carefully, cryonization while fully conscious is not to be advised. BlackHoleTravel© cannot be held responsible for any negligence or carelessness on behalf of the passengers. Violent turbulence may occur when crossing the event horizon in Holmberg 15A, but since you will still be frozen at the time, you won’t be aware of much of this inconvenience. But it is important that you stow your hand luggage securely in the compartment above your head and not under your seat, to avoid involuntary infliction of bodily injury to you or your fellow passengers. A card with detailed instructions can be found in the back of the seat in front of you. Please study this card carefully before departure.
‘As you are aware, this is a one-way flight. You have read and signed the No Return Declaration to rule out any misunderstandings. Let me remind you that SMBH1 in Holmberg 15A has a mass of 40 billion times the sun – needless to say, returning from this Supermassive Black Hole is impossible. At the present time, we cannot provide exact information about on-site accommodation but we will do everything we can to ensure you have a pleasant stay and your new life gets off to a good start.
‘Your on-site safety will be strictly monitored – individuals with a criminal record or extremist beliefs are barred. Mindful of our slogan, “Giving Victims a New Life”, BlackHoleTravel© supports the victims of this world and makes every effort to give them a new life, out of reach of their abusers. An intensive selection process involving a series of online psychological tests and background checks guarantees that only genuine victims of, or those at the intersection of, acts of war, terrorism, domestic violence, incest, rape, child abuse, bullying, verbal and psychological aggression, stalking, racism, sexism, ageism, ableism, misogyny, homophobia, Islamophobia and so on – the full list can be found in our brochure – that only these people end up onboard. Our crew was also selected according to these strict criteria. Without going into details, I can tell you that I too... that I too... um... I... sorry, this is a bit difficult... This is a big step for me too... I... I sympathise with you, I share your suffering, I feel the pain you all carry with you... I am proud to accompany you on this journey and I sincerely hope that, together with you, I can build a new life full of love and happiness.
‘BlackHoleTravel©, the industry leader with more than six billion travellers, thanks you for your trust. On behalf of the entire crew, I wish you a pleasant flight and a safe arrival.’
© Joris Vermassen